happiness is a pair of new shoes and a red-hot handbag

source

today i bought a pair of deep rose-colored combat boots and a large handbag in the prettiest shade of dark fuchsia.the boots i really needed as, believe it or not, i did not have a single pair of shoes i could wear in this wet late autumn weather. and the bag? it was a total love at first sight. i was strolling around in the different stores looking for the right pair of boots when i spotted this pretty handbag outshining all of its companions hanging on the display. ah, that perfect shade of fuchsia! and that simple clean-cut style i love so much with the steady shape and the firm handles, without any added glittery kitschy decor. and just the right size to hold all the gazillion things i like to stuff my bags with. plain and simple but clean-cut and ever so stylish, just my thing. my heart skipped a beat, and in that moment i knew i just had to have it.

but trying to act as a grown-up, being the most sensible version of me - oh, but you already have at least three dozen other bags at home stacked up, waiting to be unearthed and worn again. why would you even consider buying yet another one? - and not letting myself impulse buy anything non-edible/drinkable, i decided not to buy it until i gave it another thought. if i wanted it, if i was thinking about it the following day then i would go back and purchase it (if it was still there. if not, then it was destiny and i was not meant to have this particular bag. see my bag purchasing philosophy?). and with that i left the store and moved on looking for boots. in the next store i did find the perfect pair of shoes - dark rose-colored combat-style. this would go so perfectly with that fuchsia bag i had spotted, i kept thinking. and i just could not get rid of the thought. and how happy the thought of owning that bag made me. and so, in the end, i let the impulse-buy/retail therapy effect take over my mind, and i went back to the previous store and purchased the bag. and it was even more perfect after i payed for it and walked out of the store. when i got home i kept hugging and kissing the bag then walking around with it while wearing pajamas. (yep, that's the kind of crazy i am about bags.) it completely made my day - a day that was already going pretty well beforehand. 

when i had just got off the bus and was walking home with that beautiful enormous bag dangling on my arm, and a big fat smile overtaking my face, it hit me: i was happy. because what is happiness if not  a stunning handbag and a gorgeous pair of shoes? apparently, that's all it takes to make a girl happy. and after all retail therapy does work, in fact it is a miracle worker.

but then it occurred to me: it wasn't just the shoes and the bag. they definitely had an enormous part in cheering this particular day up. but i was, i am happy generally. every day. because at the oddest moments the feeling hits me and i find myself happy with that big fat smile on my face, smiling in satisfaction. and then i realize i am actually enjoying this small life i have created here for myself in the past two months. 

(and this is when this quote pops into my head from you've got mail:

sometimes i wonder about my life. i lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes i wonder, do i do it because i like it, or because i haven't been brave? so much of what i see reminds me of something i read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? i don't really want an answer. i just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. so good night, dear void.

isn't it a neat thought to ponder?)

it was a good decision to move home. it was the right decision. placing myself in this completely new situation, leaving that drudgery (or what felt like it) behind, turning the page and embarking on this new chapter of my life was a great idea. honestly, i had my doubts (and wishes as well), but it is actually working out. and i am glad. and you know what makes me happy? stepping out of my comfort zone. doing the kind of things i had not done before. finding a job that i had no idea about and thought i would hate. learning the tricks of this new gig and jumping through all the many hoops. i find myself enjoying this new environment and the people i am surrounded with. not hating the job after all. in fact, finding myself being okay with the job. realizing again that it is not the job itself that matters the most. it must not matter the most. because it's not the jobs that make me happy. i don't want the jobs (and only the jobs) to make me happy. of course it's important, but i make myself happy. and the way i decide to see things. trying to see the up side of all things and bring out the best from them. finding out how i can benefit and grow from even the crappiest experiences.

it was a good idea to slow down and have enough time to ponder. to see things from a completely new perspective.  i really, desperately needed it. and now, for the first time in god only knows how many months (or years, even) i am relaxed and feel like i don't have anything to worry about. i just enjoy my days. no headaches, no back- and shoulder aches, and stressing over money - or rather the lack of it. naturally i am still broke. i probably will always be. but i have accepted that this is exactly what i am meant to be at the age of 25, just out of college, with a blurry image of the future and not much of an idea about where the road will take me. or what road i want to walk down on. and can't help but sing out loud these lines:  i am broke but i am happy, i am young and underpayed, i am tired but i am working. and what it all comes down to is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine. no one's really got it figured out just yet. (thank you, alanis, for the awesome lyrics.)

 i am just enjoying this peace and quiet i have sourrounded myself with and the comfort of home. and it's so good. having enough time for all the little things i enjoy so much. being creative, jotting down my ideas, writing up silly blog posts, scribbling even sillier lists. knitting, doing craft projects, reading for four hours a day, or sometimes even more. having things to look forward to. and, as it turns out, i may even find a job i actually want & excited to do. and knowing that a beautiful, snowy winter is around the corner. and most importantly: figuring myself out and the road i am willing to take.

and finally being able to say:

i don't live to work. i work to live.
or, to be more correct: i work so i can afford to live my way.

so good night, dear void.